Some improvement from first draft but still some
very real issues we need to resolve for the final draft.
·
The critical issue is the lack of a clear
argument running through the essay. You seem to argue at the start and end that
teen movies have changed over the years but the middle bit is how similar
Breakfast Club, The DUFF and Mean Girls are in terms of using stereotypes. This
lack of clarity will really restrict what level the essay can reach.
·
Similarly, there is a lack of clarity with the
second part of the question: audience effects. What point are you trying to
make? You have some brilliant quotes but don’t introduce them properly or use
them to advance an argument. I strongly advise you to get angry! Why not argue
that these films are reinforcing very negative messages to young women (like
representation of women in advertising – Killbourne).
·
Written English is still nowhere near the
standard required for A2 – either you are not proofreading or you seriously
need to work on your proofreading. Look at my comments on the first page alone.
·
Research is good – plenty of footnotes and
extensive bibliography. If you can change the argument to make use of these
quotes then there’s the potential for a good essay.
·
Perhaps consider adding some recent theorists
from the exam side – e.g. Jean Killbourne and the representation of women. You
can discuss the negative impact these images of women have on young audiences
to cover the second part of your question.
·
Copy and paste this feedback into a new blogpost
on your MEST4 coursework blog called ‘Critical Investigation tutorial – second
draft’.
·
Your immediate priority needs to be the Linked
Production: this is worth 32 marks.
·
When you have a Linked Production in draft form,
return to this essay with fresh eyes and look to make three or four key
improvements before submitting the final draft.
·
Your final deadline is immediately after the
Easter holiday: Wednesday 19 April.
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